You owe me. Big style. Really, really big.
I have reformed The Smiths.
Oh yes! Now you feel humble, don't you? I have reformed The Smiths.
Frankly, I got fed up of all the "will they?/won't they?" BS that has been going on, so I intervened. I have acted. And decisively.
Obviously it won't feature Morrissey, because... well a) he's feeling a bit poorly and c) if it was going to feature Morrissey then I wouldn't have had to intervene, would I? You ARE paying attention aren't you?
So. anyway, I sought a replacement on vocals.
'Ersatz daff wielder wanted - apply within'.
Having sifted the applications I whittled it down to three.
The notes read; "Hadley - right period; wrong genre, too desperate. André - more desperate. All wrong. Astley - right period, close enough with the hair, man's voice. In."
Johnny Marr is not strictly joining in either, citing 'total indifference'.
He will be replaced by Billy Bragg just as soon as Mr Bragg's agent returns my emails. This does mean The Smiths will be a bit clangier than before, and that they will do some Billy Bragg songs.
That should broaden the fan base.
And of course Rourke and Joyce will not be allowed in The Smiths because a) they never actually have been and d) Morrissey can't get on with either of them.
I have approached Lou from the Red Guitars - below, first, centre - and the drummer from Bogshed - below, second (maybe) one of them - with a view to getting them all to rehearsals next Thursday.
I have done the world a favour, you'll agree. And the world will listen.