Diss, Respectful, Bastard

He really does get about a bit though. I see that he's on a March front page of the Norfolk Gazette. "Batman spares sheep farmers blushes".

I don't know why he bothers. Some in-breed is seconds away from being spotted with his dick in a spring lamb by passengers on Easy Jet flight 2565 from Ganja, Azerbaijan, which is flying in low over Diss having been diverted to Great Yarmouth because Ipswich Airport is closed (due to fungus on the runway); so bloody, goody-two-batboots throws his cape around the philandering fool to prevent discovery?

Why?


I'll tell you why. Self-bloody-promotion.

It doesn't spare the poor sod's blushes at all. He is now having his ewe-poking exploits being read about by thousands, instead of maybe being seen out of the 'left hand windows just below the wing' by two dozen.

But it gets his royal Batness on the front page again doesn't it?


Thereby keeping me off. He doesn't seem to be in to take my calls, ever. Hardly respectful.


Black-suited, rubber-flaunting, utility-belt-posing bastard.

I've heard that's why Robin left.

It was 'me, me , me , me , me' all the ruddy time, from the old Cape-flinger, there.

Well, that and being made to do the same tired, old "Holy..." jokes.

Imagine bowling up in front of a big crowd and playing your part in the damsel-rescuing (somewhere like, say, Love Clough) and then having to stick - in front of all the sexy, young things of the Lancashire Pennines town - to a script which has you saying things like, "Holy Inappropriate, Batman!" and punching your fist into your emerald-gloved left hand.

They'd think it was silly, and you'd look daft.

So he left.



Well, that, and the constant imposition, by Batman, of buggery on the poor bloke.

He wasn't allowed to be saying "Holy Inappropriate Batman!" on those occasions now, was he?

Taxing one's patience

Taxes are, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, one of the two things that are certain in life - the other being death.

Why do you suppose he didn't mention death and taxis? Because taxis cannot be certain in life even when you have been told what time they will arrive.

Ever.

The fact is that all taxi companies are laughing up their sleeves at us because we are being lied to.

"He'll be there in ten minutes".

"He's just coming into your road now".

"He's been once and no-one was there."

How many times have we heard these lies?

And why? Because they know they've got you over a barrel.

Bastards.

Think about it. You book the cab for, say, eight o'clock. It's ten past when you first ring to enquire as to its whereabouts.

"He's two minutes away, love" is the reply.

Always.

Never where it is, just how long you can expect to wait before... you have to make the next phone call.

Ten minutes later you call again. It's two minutes away.

Five minutes after that it arrives.

The problem is that we know they're lying and we let them get away with it. Because we know that to tell them, "Ah sod it - I'll ring someone else", is too great a risk.

You can't be sure any other firm can deliver a taxi to where you are waiting faster than your already-ordered cab is going to be late, and you know that even if they say they can, they won't and you're only adding more time on to your already annoying wait the inevitable lateness of Taxi Firm Two.

Because you know they're all as bad as each other.

And they know that too.

So... how does it end?

We have to bite the bullet. We have to start cancelling. We have to start walking away. We have to start standing them up and getting in rival cab companies' cars without ringing the first lot so that their lateness costs them money.

We need a register of taxi firms' abuses, published weekly in our local papers, so we can name and shame the lying bastards.

We have to start making bookings with the expression that "time is of the essence" and refusing to pay the full fare when they turn up late.

We'll learn them and we'll learn them good. So good they stay learned!

We can end these abuses! We can fight this fight! Other people agree with us! We can; we must lead the charge against death by taxis!
















My taxi was late last night.